Topshop's Fall Boutique Designer Collabos: Footwear Picks From Preen, Ashish & Emma Cook

Well, at least they're bold. At your own risk, check out Topshop's boutique designer footwear collaborations for fall. Topshop's teamed up with Ashish, Preen, and Emma Cook, who's BRINGING BACK THE CREEPER! THE CREEPER LIVES! Everything's coming up '90s. And, yeah, I keep reading that the up-to-your-cooter booter's gonna be bigger than CRACK this fall, but eh? Pass.

Okay, wait. I WOULD wear these Emma Cook mushroom-colored suede platform Oxfords...

... And the Emma Cook dalmatian-print fringed pseudo-Creepers.



But Emma Cook's old-school zebra-print Creepers is where I ABSOLUTELY draw the line!


These Peter Jensen for Topshop batshit sky-high white boots are taller than two of me.


While these Preen For Topshop thigh-high suede boots are like taller than three of me.


I love Ashish, but sorry. Ziggahzig... do not want.

Payless Fall 2008 Designer Collection: Payless Gets Sluttttay!

The Payless designer collections aren't really me, but I applaud their step in the va-va-va VAMPY direction.

($38, Lela Rose for Payless)

That bow at the heel says "I won't NOW, but ask me later, and I MIGHT."

($48, alice + olivia for Payless)

4.5 inches of trannylicious, open-toe (of course), patent leather fun. Also see: Fergie!

($48, alice + olivia for Payless)

A little less daunting at 3" high. I like the '80s-inspired back zip. Ankle boots are, in the words of the Pussycat Dolls, hot hot hot for fall, y'awl. And yes I DID just quote PCD.

($30, Lela Rose for Payless)

I'm not huge into clutches, but I do love the tortiseshell action and big stitching here! Yay!

Hot Flops = Hot Mess!

Ohhhhh b'gosh. Check out these "AMAZING NEW FLIP-FLOPS" called, disturbingly, "Hot Flops." Gah... Kind of a misnomer since yes, they're "flops," but no, they're not "hot." Though actually, they could definitely be considered "flops" the more I think about it.

Basically, someone took regular fucking flip-flops and glued some craft store dollhouse miniatures on them. WHOOOOPDIEDOO! Observe the traumatic, craptacular results in highlight form:

Oooh! The poker version! Gotta know when to fold 'em, folks!



Fashion FORE!

Seriously, someone was asleep at the wheel during the brainstorming sessions for these... if there WERE any brainstorming session. NOT ONLY is there a HUGE, TACKY clump of grapes (like the kind you'd see on a jug in some shitty tableau next to a statue of a jolly, stereotypically fat chef in a crappy Italian restaurant) on this otherwise innocent flip-flop, but somehow a dragonfly got roped into the situation AND -- look carefully -- you'll notice, a pineapple. That just makes me hate all pineapples now solely because of this one pineapple's involvement here. Oh yeah, you can also choose from FIVE OTHER fruit-themed "Hot Flops." You know -- if orange isn't your thing.

Like Chi-Chi's for your feet! A celebration of... crap!

These MIGHT be cute... if you're like 14 months old and not cognizant enough to realize what the fuck you're wearing.

Uhhhh????

Anyway, for additional torture, check out the poorly conceived subcategories of Hot Flops -- "Fruitflops," "Sportflops" and the especially disturbing "Coolhotflops." Again -- neither cool, nor hot. Weep. Morts Bagorts! :<

Anti Rubber Shoes

Touche, MK:

($165, Givenchy, Barneys)

These totally remind me of those little-kid sandals that come zip-tied together in the metal shelving units at dollar stores and have, like, some untrademarked, bastardized version of Thomas the Tank or Dora the Explorer, but it's like Timmy the Tank or Nora the Explorer.

Also available in white!

(And agreed: Epaulet is super cuters.)

In Praise of Rubber Shoes

I have a confession to make: I recently considered purchasing some Crocs ballet flats. I know. Please hold your tomatoes; I didn't do it. I wanted something easy to bike around in, wear to the beach, in the rain, whatever. I wanted comfort, and as we all know from all the Crocs lovers out there, comfort is Crocs. However, cuteness is decidedly NOT Crocs. Even these are just barely acceptable.

But then last night, on a lovely stroll around my neighborhood, I popped in to the new fashiony store Epaulet. Lured by the gorgeous iridescent shell trinket boxes, I stayed for the jelly shoes and, truthfully, the conversation. Owner Mike was just as nice as can be, genuine and helpful in a nonpushy way. I was drawn to these fuchsia jellies, and basically was cheered into purchasing them before I could stop to reconsider paying $55 for rubber shoes.



Melissa + Campana jelly ballet flats, $55. Much cuter than Marc Jacobs's! Made by the original Brazilian jelly-maker, for whatever that's worth. I can attest to their supreme comfort, thankfully, and utter cuteness.

Epaulet, by the way, is a very cute, well-curated shop, with a burgeoning men's section and cheap framed photos to go along with all the pretty dresses and little trinkets. And of course, the selection of rubber shoes. Check out more awesome Melissa varieties.

One Good Pair of Gladiators That Aren't Even Really Gladiators

FashionWatch.com did a feature on gladiators. I actually liked several of the pairs they picked, but that's probably because they cast a really wide net on their interpretation of gladiators. They're more gladiator-inspired picks. My favorite pair:

($225, Philosophy di Alberta Ferretti, eLuxury.com)

Love the coral color and neutral earthy beige.

And now back to two more offenders:

($198, Tristan Blair, Gargyle)

These will go perfectly with that loin cloth and shield I'm so fond of.

($195, Gracienne)

There's just no excuse.

What's Up, Preppy? Or: Why the Hull Am I Pining For Boat Shoes?

I never grew up wealthy or preppy (oh but how I am SO both now!) but back in the day, when I was a kid in Cleveland, my middle-middle-class family managed to have a small power boat. A boat, in Cleveland, of all places. I used to hate going for rides on it -- all that choppy rocking, the frizz-inducing mist, peeing in a scary toilet that didn't flush. All that shit freaked me out. Then the Bush I recession hit (like father, like son), and we got rid of the boat -- ironically enough -- before we moved to boat-friendly Florida and then Virginia. Now that I am old enough to appreciate the things I didn't appreciate when I was little, I realize how nice it'd be to have nautical access, if only just for the outfits and cocktails. Maybe that's why I, like Fashionista, am sort of currently into the idea of boat shoes for summer footwear. Eek!

($69, Sperry, Zappos)

The absolute classics. Sure, they get sorta gnarly when you wear them all summer with no socks, but that's sort of the appeal. And they look cool when they've faded and get shiny and worn.

($69, Sperry, Amazon)

I don't think I could pull them off, but I like them in white too. Especially for dudes.

($45, Vans, Karmaloop)

Vans has, for some reason, gone prepster too with their take on boat shoes -- and a nice, femmey take, it is too. I'm sure somewhere, some dude in a ratty Vision tee, clinging to his Kurt Cobain haircut, is gently weeping.

More preppy footwear I'm feeling:

($43, Minnetonka, Buddysmoccasins.com)

In January, I used my awesome powers of prescience to predict that mocs would be on the move this spring. And I THINK I WAS RIGHT! Why? Um, because it's SPRING and I'm about to BUY these!

($58, Tretorn, Amazon)($59, Tretorn, Amazon)

I had a pair of Tretorns back in the day, and I recall that they were the most phenomenally soft, comf sneaks ever. I may need another pair.

($48, Sanuk, Swell)

Ah the surf-prep look. I like these, at the risk of being mistaken for an extra in a Jack Johnson video.

UPDATE: Oh hai! It's MK, all up in ur preppy post! I wanted to add that I am kinda pretty really into these bitches:



Vans boat shoes, $45.50, in HOT PINK. And that is why I like 'em, peeps. Hot pink shoes kinda go with everything! Yay!

Fugs Footwear

Yay! I'm back! Let's get right back to Bingeness!

The jazz shoe trend is basically awful. I don't know if it's worse for men or women -- probably women since we have such a wider array of footwear choices -- is there really any excuse for CHOOSING to wear these? I mean, perhaps if I got in my time machine and sucked myself back to 1986, Rita Wilhelm's school of dance in suburban Cleveland, where I was mastering pivots and jazz hands and shit to the electro wop wops of Midnight Star (true story), perhaps THEN there would be a valid excuse. But it's not 1986 anymore (unfortunately), and therefore there is NO excuse.

Our prescient pals to the east, Shoewawa, over in UKtown, called y'all out on your shit back in January, pulling over these little printed horrors for a footwear felony in the first degree!

Objection sustained! These are a CRIME!


Then... Refinery29.com called out these metallic mortses in April.
A thousand nos! These Chausser shoes are an abomination. It's a sad fact, however, that these are fantasy fuck-me shoes, meaning that if a famous guy approached you wearing these, you'd totally fuck him despite the fact that he was wearing these. If any non-famous real-life guy attempted to even LOOK at you while wearing these, you'd do well to toss your drink in his face then slap him for good measure. All because of these faux pas. (Sorry, but you know it's true.)

Then Portland's Ultra commented on how Dior and Cause-Me-Pain-Hedi Slimane had been sending white jazzies down the catwalk in '06 eventhough Gucci male models did the runway
in them just the other month for their Spring/ Summer '08 show in Milan -- Oh the HORROR!
Um, hi. They sucked in 2006. They suck this year, and they will continue to suck in 2008.

In case you don't believe me, guys, you can get yourself a pair on Asos.com for just $55 and experience the fear first hand.

Or, ladies, you can feel the fear yourself:
($28, Urban Outfitters)
And you can defile four different colors, should you so choose, because they also come in white, teal, black and super no-no silver!

Also, these different variations of peep-toe boots and gladiator sandals need to end. Now. Let's start with these:
($429, Cesare Paciotti, Zappos)
Not so good, Al.


And now, a random parade of awful shoes.
($116, Kate Spade, Zappos)
No.


($116, Sigerson Morrison, Zappos)
I LOVE orange, and I LOVE tacky stuff, and even I was able to resist.


($186, Delman, Zappos)
Some poor helpless lamb died for Delman's sins. Unspeakable.


($694, Bruno Magli, Shoes.com)
Besides the movie "Bringing Down the House," I'm not sure what Queen Latifah did to deserve having these shit-striped twin towers named after her.


($83, BCBGirls, Zappos)
Isn't it bad enough that shitty shoes like these dominated the 1990s? Do they really need to make a return?


Okay... Now it's time for some redemption. Shoes I like! Onward!
($162, Betsey Johnson, Zappos)
I'm not crazy about the rose detail, but the colors rule.


($59, Pink Studio, Village-Shoes.com)
Ab fab print!



($79, Steve Madden, Nordstrom)
I was on the fence about these when I saw them on Lulu's Fashion Lounge. But they passed my "yes" test by a hair when I saw this close-up shot. The flowers are adorable and very shabby chic.


($32, Adi Designs, Overstock)
These are a wee bit Jessica Simpson-y, but I really like the heel height, the bow detail and the price! Huzzah!


($64, BCBGirls, Amazon)
These are also fairly silly, but they look comfy, and you never know when you'll receive a last-minute invite to a polo match.


Finally, and in news unrelated to footwear, my birthday is fast approaching, and I would really really appreciate this:
($869, Mike & Chris, ActiveEndeavors.com)
Thanking you in advance,
Tamron Lohan