Here's The Next Thing I'll Agonize Over Until I Inevitably Break Down And Buy It

($129, Irregular Choice, Modcloth.com)

I should just go ahead and devote approximately 48 minutes of my Tuesday to allow the practical side of me to try to convince the part of me that lacks self-control to have a two-way conversation about why I shouldn't buy these Irregular Choice heels. Ultimately, practical me will be held hostage by my lack of self-control, who will commandeer my credit card, hit "buy," and set free within me a strange brew of chemicals and emotions, ranging from oxytocin to shame and regret... Which is all just a long-winded, round-about way of admitting that I'll probably buy these. I love a crystal heel, and I LOVE Irregular Choice. They're like Jeffrey Campbell on MDMA.

Shoes: Some Awful, Some Not Awful

Holy sheeeyt, y'all! It's a shoe roundup!

Of course, we begin with some horbsness thanks to Irregular Choice, always dependable in the Horbsness department.

($199, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Is this just a New York phenomenon, or is the black and gold liquor store bag distributed universally? Anyway, these look like someone took an otherwise perfectly good healthy heel and suffocated it by tying on a liquor store bag. Without the shitty faux chap or whatever that abomination is, this shoe could be adorable with the striped platform and bow in the bag. Alas, it's not to be.

($132, Dru New York)

Just perfectly beautiful, perfectly perfect winter heels. Too bad Dru isn't sold online. Weepy.

($252, Rachel Comey, Oaknyc.com)

These are such a trainwreck that I almost oddly love them? But maybe I hate them? Mainly they're horrible? I love Rachel Comey, but these are pretty wrong.

($87, Oh Deer! Shoes.com)

For some odd reason, I like these, though I could see buying them and never having anything to wear with them. Love the Louboutin-from-afar red soles!

($55, Asos.com)

These are absolutely rip-shit ridiculous. It's also extremely discouraging that they're actually SOLD OUT, meaning that enough people DIDN'T find these horrendous.

($144, Ted Baker, Asos.com)

What? Oh my GOD, NO! They look like they're being held together by twine!

($121, Irregular Choice, Asos.com)

Just unfuckingbelievable. Wear these to your next ecstacy-fueled Victorian orgy.

($99, Steve Madden)

Appropriately enough, these embarrassments are called "Hustler," and them come in 20 different shades, each more horrendous than the next! An award of distinction goes out to the horrendous "foil" family, which includes silver and gold, and the patents: fuschia (shown above), deep red, purple, cognac and more! Collect 'em all!

($221, Harlot, Asos.com)

Appropriately enough, these are by Harlot. So so so bad. Why is it so hard to remember that denim is for JEANS ONLY! And the OCCASIONAL jacket. Don't get it twisted, people!

($276, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)

Normally I'm not into cuffs or anything remotely Mary Jane-ish, but I love the colors and how the beige offsets the patent leather. Totes wants!

($132, KG, Asos.com)

Um, these are sorta maybe the most perfect jeweled flats ever.

($474, Nanette Lepore, Shoes.com)

Chocolate brown footwear isn't usually my thing, nor are little punchy perforations and lace ups, so it's odd that I find myself attracted to a boot that consists of all three. Yet I like these.

Yay! I know they're kinda last season, but for the 99.8% of us who can't afford the real thing:

($940, Burberry Prorsum, Nordstrom)


($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Oaknyc.com)

.... Jeffrey Campbell has graciously knocked them off for us! Kbyenow!

Is Jeffrey Campbell The New Irregular Choice?

Jeffrey Campbell and Irregular Choice are similar in that when it comes to their shoes, I either LOVE 'em and would wear them in a second because they're fun and loud (just like me!), or they're so appalling that I think that they were designed while someone was tripping balls on a combo of meth, acid and horse tranqs.

Here are a few loves and not-so-loves:
($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Urban Outfitters)
For those rare instances when you wanna keep your ankles warm and toasty but let your toes chill. dlakfjdl;kafjl;dsafj!!!!


($89, Jeffrey Campbell, Solestruck.com)
Ugh. Not even if I were freezing to death in the Alps.


($94, Jeffrey Campbell, Amazon)
Lord have mercy. While I do love jeweled shoes, I certainly don't love them unconditionally. The little chunky heel just kills me.


($125, Jeffrey Campbell, Zappos)
I'm sorta on the fence about these, but I sorta also like 'em, especially in black. (Though the tan iteration is way too cowgirl.)


($142, Jeffrey Campbell, Zappos)
I'm a little more into these.


($59, Jeffrey Campbell, Zappos)
Oy. Just... oy.


($139, Jeffrey Campbell, Zappos)
... And I'm okay with these, basically. Though I don't know about that patent leather detailing.



($74, Jeffrey Campbell, Zappos)
Yay! Fun fun fun jeweled flats!


($59, Jeffrey Campbell, BarefootTess.com)
Wuv in every color. Flats are deffo what Jeffrey Campbell does best.




($39, Jeffrey Campbell, Shoes.com)
These are sorta fun in an old-school grandma way.



($84, Jeffrey Campbell, Shoes)
These are by far my favorite. They'd look so hot with an all-black nighty-night time outfit.



($75, Jeffrey Campbell, Kitson)
Whereas these would look good with absolutely nothing...



($95, Jeffrey Campbell, Kitson)
Very D&G/ Fendi, no?






($71, The Sisters Campbell, Lulusfashionlounge.com)
Okay, so I FINALLY solved my own little mystery about who the eff The Sisters Campbell (not to be confused with the Jackson Twins) are/is. Per an interview on Fred Flare's blog (thanks guys!), it's Jeffrey Campbell's junior line, and it's named for his daughters. Cute! Now if only JC would get on that pesky little "I don't have a Website" issue! (There's only this Myspace page) DUDE! It's 2002!

Chie Mahara Shoes, Et Al

I am seeing nothin' but Chie Mahara shoes lately. And I'm lovin' about 90% of 'em.
They look so well made, and they're allegedly really comfz.

Here goes:

($154, Chie Mahara, Saks)
One of the best pairs of neutral heels I've seen in a montha Sundays, as "we" say in the "South." I might really truly rethink my no ankle straps personal policy.


($310, Chie Mahara, Sodafine.com)
Love the 1940s-esqueness!


($289, Chie Mahara, Pedshoes.com)
Probably my fave of all. Like walking on sunshine! Weeee!


($162, Chie Mahara, Jildorshoes.com)
Swooooony McSwoooonerson!


($310, Chie Mahara, Pedshoes.com)
Chie Mahara, are you trying to seduce me?


($297, Chie Mahara, SaviniShoes.com)
I'm yours! I love the selection here.


($297, Chie Mahara, Savinishoes.com)
Oh, behave!


($314, Chie Mahara, Haloshoes.com)
Unbelieveabley gorge.


($325, Chie Mahara, 4SpoiledMe.com)
A tiny bit whack, but also fairly rad.


($219, twenty two shoes)
I love twenty two shoes for similar reasons. Hand-made like woah.


($209, twenty two shoes)
The brown is beautiful too.

($66, F-Troupe, OakNYC.com)
Totes sophisticado!


($212, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Jildorshoes.com)
OMG. WANT WANT WANT WANT. And look at the pic of MJ -- nice, normal MJ! Not scary manorexic MJ!


($45, Nicole, OakNYC.com)
Quite cute, and not unreasonably high for a wedge. And probably the most affordable item I've ever seen at Oak.


($99, Tracy Reese, Anthropologie)
You only live once. Why not own a pair of ocelet pumps?... I guess...


($48, Urban Outfitters)
Damn you, UO! Keep reeling me back in!


And now, here it is, folks, your moment of morts:
(Approx $111 USD, Irregular Choice (who else?), Shoe-shop.com)
Um, exactly HOW did this get past the brainstorming phase and into development?

The Horror!

Here's a bunch of really ugly shit for you to consume. Or not.


($178, BCBG Max Azria, Nordstrom.com)
Why?? This looks like a roll of toilet paper that got shredded in a fan.



(Top $32; Dress $68, Necessary Objects, Macys.com)
Separately they're bad enough, but together, it's like a head-to-toe crap showcase.



($19.95, JS, Amazon)
How did this get past Standards? Check out some of their other awful shlock.



($149, Frye, Amazon)
Just grody.



(Apprx $107 USD, Irregular Choice, Schuh.co.uk)
Shoewawa covered these. Eeek!! That is some DAMN strong stuff those IC peeps are smoking. Remember kids: crack kills. Or at least results in some positively Fug City footwear.



(Apprx $127, Irregular Choice, Schuh.co.uk)
See, here is exactly why you should not allow your three-year-old access to fabric scraps, school glue and some spare pumps. Of course, you could always carry it with your Louis Vuitton Tribute Patchwork Bag.




(Apprx $99 USD, Irregular Choice, Schuh.co.uk)
What. The. Fu....??? Apparently Irregular Choice is even more irregular in the UK. They have some horbs offerings here in the States but nowhere NEAR as bad as abroad. They just get worse and worse and worse.

But not as worse/t as...


($62, Sugar, Zappos)
Just... wow. So many awful elements all combined into one Super Awful Shoe. Weep.