Already, I Am Sick of Gladiator Sandals...

And it's barely even Spring!!! Seriously, unless you're actively involved in battling bears or guys who look like Russell Crowe, you do NOT need to encase you foot in a leather cage. Please. DON'T!

Some particularly egregious offenders:

($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Urban Outfitters)

If you're concerned that your cankle areas (for lack of a better term) are going to be chilly, MAYBE IT'S TOO COLD OUT FOR SANDALS! But you really truly do not get to do both.

($28, Urban Outfitters)

Dudes, fringe is not for shoes. Fringe is for jackets... no wait a second. Fringe is NOT FOR ANYONE outside of Branson (and I'm sure several of Branson's fine citizens don't even wear it). Don't ever wear fringe EVER. (One exception: you are Dolly Parton and/or 1967 Dennis Hopper.)

($57, Naughty Monkey, Karmaloop.com)
Seriously? What the shit??

($79, Nine West)

We get it. The American economy is in the shitter, so we're supposed to buy bright things to make us forget. I love bright things, but that's no reason to let the sandal equivalent of Bill Cosby's Coogi sweater creep up your foot.

($125, Urban Outfitters)

As if someone sent a perfectly okay jazz shoe through a paper shredder.

You get the point. So now, some lovely warm-weather footwear alternatives to the scourge of gladiators:

($48, Urban Oufitters)

Not my all-time favorites, but definitely not bad at all. At least there's no covered heel or ankle nonsense.

($105, Dolce Vita, Piperlime.com)

Perfectly reasonable, sweetly (note: not barfily) trendy metallic peep-toe that says "I'm a grown-up, and I'm perfectly mature about keeping MOST of my foot consistently -- not schizophrenically covered."

($105, Sam Edelman, Bloomingdale's)

Love both of these. (Very similar, cheaper ones here, BTW.) Wedge-y but not towering, which is more than I can say for these:

($29.50, Alloy.com)

Holy hell. Anyway, back to better spring shoes:

($175, Cole Haan, Bloomingdale's)

Rarely do I see white shoes I'd actually wear, but these are great (both versions!) all-purpose sping/ summer heeled sandals that completely do not suck or offend.

($365, Chie Mahara, Sodafine.com)

Sweet, sweet design. Sweet, sweet desire. It's like the Golden Gate Bridge found a happy home on your foot (minus the congestion and the jumpers.)

($375, Ralph Lauren, Bloomingdale's)

The price is a bit ridick for a bit of rope, and sure, they're a bit campy, but they're still fun in a WASPy sort of way. (And Ha'shem KNOWS I'm WASPY!) Though I'm not sure why you wouldn't just opt for Kinos -- Key West classics -- instead:

($11, KinoSandalFactory.com)

($11, KinoSandalFactory.com)


($41, Steve Madden)

It's not much, but it's right to the point and WORLDS better than the much-aligned flip-flop. HELP US HELP YOU!

Also, Steve Madden promo code:
$10 off: SML963BF1E (Not sure if this is a one-hitter or what.)

Finally, if sandals aren't your thing (and I get that), I like these ridiculous (and ridiculously priced!) Nikes:

($79, Nike, Alloy)

Do I offend???

Awesome Shit, Some On Sale

Two collections of gorgeous items. They're all lovely. They're just not all within my budget... Oh who am I kidding -- I can't stick to a budget.


STEAL IT

($865, Christian Louboutin, Saks Fifth Avenue)

Prettier than the prettiest princess in the pod. Sigh.

($578, Anna Sui, Madisonlosangeles.com)

Very cute. But maybe a little TOO early '60s??

($545, Thomas Wylde, Net-a-porter.com)

My favorite piece of the post.

($395, Michael Kors, Saks Fifth Avenue)

Nothing earth-shattering here, yet I just love it.

($350, Milly, Net-a-porter.com)

So elegant. So perfectly wintery. So want it.

($265, Jalda, Saks Fifth Avenue)
Luscious.

YOUR ACCOUNTANT LOVES YOU...

($496, Stella McCartney, Net-a-porter.com)

... Because you know a good deal when you see one. Plus, the layering practically means you get three tops for the price of one!

($339, Zac Posen, Saks Fifth Avenue)

Surely this is even cuter in person. And with some cute opaque tights and booties.

($312, Botkier, Ssense.com)

This is half beautiful, half looks like it came from within.

($258, DKNY)

If you can find a more versatile dress, lemme know.

($229, Ports 1961, Saks Fifth Avenue)

Gorgeous, eventhough this does sorta look like something you'd find at H&M.

($145, Mike & Chris, Rarechic.com)

Come and just TRY to tell me this dress isn't serious sexytime. And NOT just because this chick probably isn't wearing anything underneath. Ahh... just PERFECT for the office, no?

($97, Cass Guy, Rarechic.com)

How perfect would this look under a grey or navy cardigan?

($95, Plenty By Tracy Reese, Labelspree.com)

I know I've posted this before, but I rediscovered, and now it's even closer to cold weather time. Yay! Get it! (Whoops. My inner voice started typing).

($88, Dusty Of California, Bussstopshop.com)

Utterly adorable. I can't even deal with all of the what-to-wear-on-the-bottom options that this dress comes with.

($85, James Coviello, Saks Fifth Avenue)

Normally this sweater would NEVER be my thing, but it just has some sort of Natalie Portman je ne sais qoui. Although I'm fairly positive that simply wearing this sweater wouldn't magically give me an adorable pixie cut and perfectly placed mole. Though I didn't read "The Secret," and perhaps I should.

($75, Naughty Monkey, Redvelvetcouture.com)

This is a prime example of the type of thing I probably wouldn't dream of getting on my own, but then I'd stop by a friend's apartment on our way to go to the movies, and I'd just pop in to use her bathroom really quickly because it's on the way to the theater, and these would just be sitting on her living room floor next to the paper, and I'd see them and be like HOLY FUCK WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE? WHAT THE FUCK? THOSE ARE FUCKING AWESOME! And she'd blow it off because to her they're no big deal and totally her and we'd maybe be running late to the movie, but then all I'd be able to think about for like the next week would be those boots. And the movie would be totally ruined for me. That's how sick these boots are. At least to me.

($69, Dolce Vita, Shopbop.com)

Great, huh?

(Apprx $50 USD, Topshop.com)

These are so fun, but they'd be hard to wear without running the risk of some d-bag at work or something coming up to you and bein' like "So, you're bringin' the '80s back, eh, Material Girl?" or something completely lame like that, so it almost makes them not worth it...

(Apprx $30 USD, Topshop.com)

So you're probably best off going with something like this. Ugh. I hate d-bags.

Lovely In Leopard Prints

Recently at work, a friend mentioned -- in passing mind you -- her quest to find a pair of red and black leopard print flats. Somehow that same unseen force that grips you and renders you incapable of turning off the TV during the Lifetime original TV movie, "Life Is Not a Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story" grabbed hold of me yet again and guided my hand through over an hour's worth of online browsing. While I netted (har) almost no worthy results (defeat!), I did find tons of other totally worthy animal print stuff (success!)

First, a few words about animal prints, especially leopard print. First of all, I think it goes without saying that when wearing animal prints, it's a crime -- nay, a SIN! -- to wear more than ONE animal print item at a time. I can specifically remember being at a party late last year and noticing a girl wearing what would've been an otherwise totes acceptable outfit -- black pants, a white button-down, and some leopard print flats. BUT... horror of horrors: her bag... was... ALSO leopard print. NO NO NO! A WORLD of no. I HAD to point out the gaffe to SOMEONE, and since I was at the party with my boyfriend, I settled for telling him. Even he got it. And quickly. Please, don't let be that girl. When it comes to animal prints, remember: One or NONE!


Onwards...

First...

($36, Papillon, Babygirlboutique.com)
If you described this dress to me, I'd think it was totally fugzville. But it turns out that while in theory, the idea of a leopard-and-flower print sundress would be terrible, I actually think this is adorablay and beyond.



($57, Hell's Belles, Babygirlboutique.com)
With an all-black outfit and denim jacket? Suuuper cute.



($104, Hell's Belles, Babygirlboutique.com)
While this bag is definitely pushing the farthest reaches of my rockabilly sensibilities, I do think it's fun. Especially the wallet. Though I do feel like I almost be compelled to go to Lucky Cheng's or something just to show this bag a good time.



($108, Tyler, Shoes.com)
This was one of the most high end examples of the leopard print flats I found. They're definitely purdy, but it wasn't difficult at all to find totes similar versions.



($22, eBay)
Just one example.



($29, eBay)
Dudes, I actually really love these. They'd look tight with some darker skinny jeans. They also come in other colors like beige and yellow.



($18.99, Vinci, Amazon)
Nice n' easy. I like the brown bows too.



($24.99, Mossimo, Target)
The always-dependable Targs comes through with the Dodie peep-toe wedge. Done and done!



($60, Naughty Monkey, Whatapair.com)
A classic case of "I'd really need to see those in person." But, they could be cute. Or they could look too much like dog and not leopard spots (bad). Also, I grew up being taught that leather shoes were GOOD. And people, not shoes, are vegetarian. But if that's your thing, go 'head.



($129.95, Faryl Robin, Solestruck.com)
Okay, these technically aren't animal prints, but from afar you could totally mistake these wedges as such. So, I'm throwing them in. I sincerely adore Faryl Robin. I'll say it again.

They're also amazing in "apricot"

($129.95, Faryl Robin, Solestruck.com)



($59, Michael Kors, Michaelkors.com)
These tiger print slides are fucking rad.



($63.95, Luichiny, Shoebuy.com)
I found these Luichiny Maddie flats everywhere, especially in the leopard style above. (Shoebuy appears to have the best price on them, by the way -- over $10 less than Zappos). I also found lots of the rather off-putting blue and silver spotted version, which actually grew on me:




But 6pm.com has them in six different styles, including zebra, which I really hate. But I truly heart the orange/gold style the most:




(Apprx $42, eBay)
These are just too delightfully trampy to pass up. They're so fun yet SO impractical. The first and last time I wore a pair of wedges that high, I made it about 15 feet outside of my building in the morning before I carefully turned around and tottered back home to change into some *slightly* less senseless footwear.



(Apprx $19, eBay)
Possibly more slightly yet LESS impractical than the above shoes.


... And finally, should you need to cool off after all that animalistic shoe shopping...

($49, Target)