theOutnet.com's Shoe Collection Is Giving Me Inappropriate Urges

Seriously, I'm getting tingly... now the tingling is turning to numbness. I may or may not be blacking out. Isn't this how Michael Hutchence died?

Check out theOutnet's -- Net-a-Porter's younger, hipper, CHEAPER, sister -- shoe selects. Designer shoes, discount prices.

($238, Chloe, theoutnet.com)


($199, Chloe, theoutnet.com)



($115, Marc Jacobs, theoutnet.com)

($232, Bally, theoutnet.com)

Gahhhh these silver Bally heels so have my name on them. Unfortunately, my credit cards have my name on them too.

($532, Christian Louboutin, theoutnet.com)

Usually I don't freak out and make a total jackass out of myself and act all like OMFG SEX AND THE CITY IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE AND I NEED JIMMY CHOOS AND LOUBOUTINS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT CARRIE BRADSHAW WORE AND OUR LIVES ARE SOOOOOO ALIKE BECAUSE WE BOTH LIKE BOYS AND HAVE GIRL FRIENDS AND LIKE CLOTHES AND LAPTOPS and shit over Louboutins, but these Prive Louboutins are spesh.

Chloé High-Waisted Cotton Shorts: Really?

Are we really doing this? Not the high-waisted cotton shorts themselves. I really don't have a problem with those. I don't even have a problem with shorts. When it's 19392 degrees, shorts and sweat are gonna happen. And hopefully air conditioning. But I do have a problem with the fact that these cotton Chloe shorts are $1,635. Were they crafted by the paws of animated, singing little mice? And where in the world is the economic climate warm enough to afford luxuries such as $1,635 cotton shorts? Actually, $1,635 cotton shorts aren't a luxury... they're asinine.

($1,635, Chloe, Net-a-porter.com)
No.

... Meanwhile, back in Reality Ville, where I live and you do too probably, here are some viable alternatives to $1,635 cotton shorts.

($157, Wood Wood, FarFetch.com)

Well hello! Almost the exact same shorts for like a tenth of the price... or whatever you do in math class.

($198, Marc By Marc Jacobs, Bergdorf Goodman)

Super cute high-waisted shorts. I'd wear these on the regulado.

($22.80, Forever 21)

Thanks, Forever 21/ 30. Always there in a pinch.

Okay, NOW Purple Has Definitely Gone Too Far

Yesterday's post (and today's purchase) notwithstanding, I feel pretty confident that these purple boots will NOT be purchased by me or anyone with a modicum of taste:



Charles Nolan "Kelsey" boots, $148. I am going to go on record and say that any type of ruffle at the top of a boot is unacceptable. Go ahead, contradict me! I bet you won't.




Chloé paneled shoe-boots, $895. A classic hot mess.




Philosophy di Alberta Ferretti ankle boots, 370 pounds. Where to start?




Marc Jacobs butterfly shoe-boots, $895. For Mariah Carey, NOT for you.




Steve Madden purple suede boots, $149.95. Again with the butterfly!




Georgina Goodman "Felix" ankle boot, $947.95. Who? Wha? How much?




Sam Edelman "Utah" boots, $199. We've already established the Binge's position on fringe, so this commentary should go without saying: no.




Jump "Bjork" boot, $128.95. Not sure which is more hurtful to my senses, Bjork's screeching or these monstrosities.




You by Crocs "Fabulous Fashionista" boots, $280. Still don't get Crocs' high-end line: A company that brought you $30 rubber shoes is trying to now sell me $300 boots? I don't think so.


And now, so that the last image I leave you with doesn't have you retching, here's a not-totally-hein pair of purps:



Aldo "Froling" booties, $130. Better yet: You can get 'em in gray.

'Life & Style' Mag's See By Chloe Day Tripper Bag Giveaway

WHY WHY WHY am I SO unselfish so as to SHARE a See By Chloe bag giveaway that I SO. OBVIOUSLY. DESERVE. TO WIN!?!?? WHY do I have to be SUCH an incredibly WARM AND GIVING human being? Ugh. Sometimes I just can't STAND how charitable I am.

Enter to win this AMAZORZ See By Chloe Day Tripper shoulder bag from Life & Style. It's worth a breezy seven fiddy if you wanna spring for it (for me) at Nordstrom! (And honestly, may I win the celeb-wuved bag, and you win, like, a free magazine subscription or something.)

Oh yeah, or you could just flat out BUY me this slightly similar CC Skye "Lucy" bag. It's $700 and it's TDF (TO DIE FOR), kittens! Plus, SEVERAL of didn't even THINK to get me a birthday present last month, and it was a big one, so here's your shot at redemption, mmmmkays?

($700, CC Skye, Active Endeavors)

Two Things You Can Feel Free To Buy Me: Embroidered Chloe Bag, Lanvin Heels, 'Kay?

Are you feeling charitable? Did you perhaps steal tons of money from your place of business and are looking for a place to get rid of it?? Yes? Good then! Because I'm in the market for the following:

($490, Lanvin, Browns)

You'll sleep better knowing that:
a.) They're on sale
b.) I'll look smashing in them!
and c.) They're real real real!

($2064, Chloe, Browns)

We'll all sleep better at night knowing that I'm fashionably satisfied by this black leather Chloe bag with an embroidered base. And you? You'll be all comfy in your plush bed knowing you done a good good thing!

(Inquiries? Interested? Yah? Email me!)

The Highs And Very Low Lows Of Cut-Out Heels

I'm truly not the biggest fan of cut-out shoes, especially when they're not sandals; the exception, however, would be Loeffler Randall's cut-out pumps, platforms, booties, and various iterations:

($575, Loeffler Randall, Active Endeavors)

These I can basically deal with. Loeffler Randall, they seem to know what they doing!

Therefore I was glad to see these far-more-affordable knock-knock-knock-offs at Victoria's Secret:

($150, Victoria's Secret)

At those prices, it's like two Loeffler Randalls for the price of one! And I really like the grey and black onesies. They're like the Herve Leger bandage dress of shoes!

($129, Michael Kors, Amazon)

Also okay!

($775, Chloe, Intermix)

Lurves the heel detailing, but OY VA VOY, too much patent. Heidi Montag also favors these, so that'll tell you something right there:


More bad cut-out heels and shoes:

(Giuseppe Zanotti, Intermix)

More like Giuseppe Za-not-ti. OH SHIT! Like something Christina Aguilera picked up at J.Lo's garage sale. Horbs.

($925, Dior, Neiman Marcus)

These Dior heels are either tragically melded together like couture conjoined twins, or else we caught them in the act of copulation. And I didn't know shoes could have sex.

($48, Jeffrey Campbell, 6pm.com)

The exact wrong way to do animal prints. Shudder!!


Um, perhaps the less said about these horrific Pierre Hardy cut-out shoes the better.

(Apprx $120, Topshop)

It's a sandal AND a boot! Rrr... remind me why again?

(Sold out, Chloe, Saks)

That these are sold out suggests to me that there are hundreds, nay THOUSANDS of women out there with equally horbs taste. The horror!

($160, HedoFashions.com)

Thankfully there are several of these disturbing stripper shoes left in all sizes!

($47, Pleaser, Amazon)

Perhaps unsurprisingly, these are mainly available in men's sizes.

($149, John Fluevog)

Marked down from $239. Priced to move. Quickly, one would hope. Gahr.

($48, Urban Outfitters)

The paperbag as shoe! Recyclable footwear, folks!

Chloe Alligator Envelope Clutch -- WTF?

($1418, Chloe, Asos.com)

Origami + leather = expensive disaster. Is this an accessory or some modernist furniture? Fail.

Bags: Want Vs. Do Not Want

Inspired by a Bagtrends.com feature filled with bags I either love or loathe, plus a few other bags that have inspired in me extreme reactions in opposite directions...


WANT:

($1295, Marc Jacobs, Net-a-porter.com)

Delicious.

DO NOT WANT:

($128, Anthropologie)

Raffia disaster.


WANT:

(Price available upon request, Lizzie Fortunato, Refinery 29)

Dream of a bag at a nightmarish price.


DO NOT WANT:

($3395, Jimmy Choo, Net-a-porter.com)

Too Heidi Montag.


WANT:

($1954, Chloe, Asos.com)

Unrealistic for many reasons, one of which is because I am not represented by CAA.


DO NOT WANT:

($145, Aksuona, Bagtrends.com)

Oh no. Goodness, no. It's like a gay mollusk threw up on a gem-encrusted clutch.


DEFINITELY WANT:

($675, Botkier, Saks)

That's more like it.

Dresses I Wish Weren't $1,120: Chloe's Striped Jersey Dress + "Relatively" Cheaper Options!

($1,120, Chloe, Net-a-porter.com)

ZOMG. Granted, the design and colors of striped jersey Chloe dress are awe-inspiring, um, but, WHY is it over a grand? It's made of fucking JERSEY, people! Look at all the other similarly cute jersey dresses you could purchase for far, far less!

($139, Betsey Johnson, Bluefly)

It's Bluefly, bitches!

($425, Diane von Furstenberg)

Not cheap, to be sure, but it's DVF. Worth every cent for this gorgeous wool frock.

($448, Badgley Mischka, Saks)

Next to Chloe, this Badgley Mischka jersey dress is "a steal!" And it's far more elegante.

($203, Mara Hoffman, Saks)

This doesn't totally apply, even though it is jersey, but I threw it in there because I forgot how much I love Mara Hoffman, and because it's stripey, and because I think it could actually look really cute with some peach-y pumps.

($88, JC de Castelbajac, Yoox.com)

Ok, certainly we're straying a bit too much into total-tennis territory here, but this adorable red-and-white-striped dress feels like a children's book come to life -- now, normally that would be really bad, but the not-too-obtuse scribbles make it whimsical and not too cloying.